Bleah.

It's freakin' hot. I went out to lunch - grabbed a Cookies & Cream Tasti D-Lite, took a little stroll as I ate (it wasn't so freakin' hot while eating Tasti D-Lite), got some iced coffee, and came back to work.

I feel like going wandering more. Or knitting. But I'm at work and don't know how it would go over, me busting out my knitting in my whopping four-person office.

So I'll do what I do best and obsess over my weight. Because I still feel like a cow. I stopped going to Weight Watchers because I was getting depressed - I'd stick to program for the week, work out, feel great about myself, and then weigh in and see nothing - no loss. In fact, sometimes I'd gain. I was getting nothing from the meetings after a point. And I was unbearable to live with after them, so I decided that for now, going to meetings is actually doing more damage that not going. So I am taking a break.

And feeling like some pathetic weight loss dropout.

Why the heck do I make a stupid number so damned powerful? Why do I wrap up my self-worth in a size of jeans? Because I'm female, probably. And because I've never been famous for my fabulous self-esteem.

I feel like crap about myself today. Moreso than normal. I'm tired of looking at myself in store windows, trying to gauge how fat I look today. Or looking at other women in the street and trying to figure out if I'm fat compared to them. I just want to stop and be okay with what I've got. I eat pretty well. I exercise often. That should be good enough, right? But no. And I can't make it right.

I was supposed to have my thyroid tested. I keep forgetting to go to the lab - I know I'm putting it off. Because if I get it tested and there's nothing wrong with my thyroid, that means that I'm a cow because I'm a cow, not because there's something wrong with me. I'm hoping there is actually something wrong with me - nothing life-threatening, just something that can explain why I can't get this weight off. And the prospect that there's nothing wrong with me that can cause this is almost unbearable.

I was going to do it today. Honest. And when I looked in my bag, it was the wrong paperwork. Crap.