Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Bleah.

It's freakin' hot. I went out to lunch - grabbed a Cookies & Cream Tasti D-Lite, took a little stroll as I ate (it wasn't so freakin' hot while eating Tasti D-Lite), got some iced coffee, and came back to work.

I feel like going wandering more. Or knitting. But I'm at work and don't know how it would go over, me busting out my knitting in my whopping four-person office.

So I'll do what I do best and obsess over my weight. Because I still feel like a cow. I stopped going to Weight Watchers because I was getting depressed - I'd stick to program for the week, work out, feel great about myself, and then weigh in and see nothing - no loss. In fact, sometimes I'd gain. I was getting nothing from the meetings after a point. And I was unbearable to live with after them, so I decided that for now, going to meetings is actually doing more damage that not going. So I am taking a break.

And feeling like some pathetic weight loss dropout.

Why the heck do I make a stupid number so damned powerful? Why do I wrap up my self-worth in a size of jeans? Because I'm female, probably. And because I've never been famous for my fabulous self-esteem.

I feel like crap about myself today. Moreso than normal. I'm tired of looking at myself in store windows, trying to gauge how fat I look today. Or looking at other women in the street and trying to figure out if I'm fat compared to them. I just want to stop and be okay with what I've got. I eat pretty well. I exercise often. That should be good enough, right? But no. And I can't make it right.

I was supposed to have my thyroid tested. I keep forgetting to go to the lab - I know I'm putting it off. Because if I get it tested and there's nothing wrong with my thyroid, that means that I'm a cow because I'm a cow, not because there's something wrong with me. I'm hoping there is actually something wrong with me - nothing life-threatening, just something that can explain why I can't get this weight off. And the prospect that there's nothing wrong with me that can cause this is almost unbearable.

I was going to do it today. Honest. And when I looked in my bag, it was the wrong paperwork. Crap.

8 comments:

Chris said...

Wow, sounds like a crappy day.

If exercising makes you feel good then do it just for that reason, weight be damned! Anyway, hope you feel better soon.

Stacey said...

We all do it, everywhere we go comparing ourselves. Societal pressure, I don't know, maybe it's hardwired in women...

Chris is right, do it for yourself! That's what important, that you feel good.

Cosimo Books said...

I'm just in a crappy, down on myself type of day. We all get 'em. I'll be fine in a day or two.

Roe said...

Crap, logged in from work again... I've been blogging for work, trying to get them up to speed before I leave next week.

Linda Sheridan said...

Just take it one day at a time. Do whatever it is that'll make you feel better-whether it's a walk or a tasty d lite. Life is too damn short and sacred to sweat a pound. Remember you have a wonderful husband and family, while some of these toothpicks walking around have no soul or life. I might have not seen you in a while, but when I did, you looked pretty darn good to me:)!

Roe said...

You guys are the best.

Lauren said...

I refuse to buy a magnifying mirror because I just don't need to see my acne that close up. The less I look the less i stress about it. I can always tell it's time to stop examining myself so closely when the mole next to my nose appears to have grown overnight. No joke, I have freaked out about it on more than one occaision. No one else sees you the way that you see yourself.

Roe said...

I have to get better with this. I really feel like I've gone off the deep end. I think the first step is literally to stop glancing in every reflective surface I see, trying to gauge how fat I've gotten since the last one.