Tuesday, September 01, 2009

A Rant.

Normally, I try to keep the blog light. Who wants to read the rantings of a lunatic? So please, feel free to skip this post today; I just needed to write this out somewhere before I burn myself up inside.

I'm sorry about putting this up here, but it's been brewing for a while now and I am hoping that by getting it out of my system I can move on. Like I said, just pass this post by if you want. It's more for me this time.

I am tired. I have been out of work for almost 10 months now. On the one hand, I love and am appreciative for the time this has given me to be with my kids, and for how much easier their lives have become as a result. They don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn on a day off to be shuttled off to the in-laws because I have to work. I don't have the sick feeling form in the pit of my stomach every morning I hear a cough or the groan, "I have a bellyache..." because I may have to call in and deal with crap from a boss who either doesn't have kids, never made them a priority, or was scared to and is just passing the buck. I love that they were actually able to go to bed late and sleep late on summer vacation, like a kid should. Having said that, I am so lonely.

At first, I felt like I was useless. I see people dressed nicely, heading to work, as I dropped my kids off at their half-day summer camp clad in my sweats and t-shirt that I'd slept in. I tried to shower in time to pick them up so I'd at least feel like I'd accomplished something while they were in camp. Yes, I know - I had school and that time was spent working on the FINAL PAPER OF DOOM, which was all good time spent. But I go to school online. I'm alone.

There are apparently many stay-at-home mothers that my children are friends with during the school year, but you'd never know it come summer. I have made attempt after attempt to reconnect with these friends over the summer, but I'm either left to wonder if my e-mail made it through, if there's something wrong with my cell phone, or I'm politely told, week after week, sorry, there's something else going on. Do you know what it's like for a 6-year old kid not to see any of his friends during the summertime? Do you know what it's like to try and explain that to him?

And then there are the friends that just disappear when you're at home. Everyone's working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If anyone is left, there are promises and jokes of the attempts to get together that never happen - but my phone doesn't ring. I've asked time and again to see people. Offers have been vaguely made, and when I try to suggest making it concrete, my messages apparently get lost in the ether. Jokes are made about how often we try to get the kids together and it doesn't happen, but there's no 'we' happening here. I try.

My stepfather's passing brought people to my aid, for which I am eternally grateful. But two weeks after he's in the ground, we're back to square one. All those offers of "Do you need anything?" fade away, when all I need is someone to freaking talk to. Someone to go to the park with. Someone to just come talk to me about something other than Disney Channel and wrestling and Nickelodeon and video games.

Look, I'm not condemning everyone I know. There have been friends who, in spite of having full plates of their own, have reached out this summer. I hope they know that I appreciate everything they've said and done more than they can possibly know. But before I get caught up in excuses and trying to apologize for my feelings at the outset, let me just pause here. I'm feeling what I'm feeling and not trying to call anyone out or hurt anyone else's feelings. This is my space to talk about what's on my mind and this is what is.

On days that I feel like this, I'd rather have no one - because at least then, I'd know what to expect.


scrapperjen said...

Oh honey - I feel your pain. I have the opposite problem though. I work 2 jobs and I think everyone in our neighborhood stays home. You should see the glares I get as I leave...
HUGS!!!!!! Feel free to e-mail me if you want to discuss anything besides Disney & Nick! :) I'm at: imscraps@yahoo.com
Hang in there - and please, enjoy your time with your family.

Knitter in an Urban Zoo said...

I hear you!!!