Friday, October 28, 2005


I feel like an episode of Breaking Bonaduce. When the hell do things start to look up?

I think if I were really able to just let loose with one primal scream and maybe break a chair or two, I'd feel a lot better. My id is just straining to be let loose. I'm tired of crying at my desk, I want to have one Godzilla-like rampage and then, at least in my mind right now, I'll be okay.

Slim-Fast tastes good but the concept of it sucks. I want a frickin' English Muffin for breakfast. I want to chew. And the fact that for the past two nights, I've snarfed down two bags of fruit snacks must mean this isn't helping.

I know what I need to do. I just need to do it. But I'm so drained that I just sit on the couch, staying up way too late because I'm trying to fight the coming of the next day. And eat. Even when I'm not hungry. I journal for a half day if I'm lucky.

Where is the spark I had? When I used to wake up and be inside at 6:58, waiting for Denise Austin to start my day off with some "energizing yoga"? The days where I would bring an apple with me to an office birthday party because I didn't eat cake?

I hate that I've been whining like such a damned victim lately. This isn't me. But I also feel so down, so low, so helpless to stop it. I hate having to cry to my friends, so I do it here. Yeah, my friends read this, but it's just easier to be happier when we're together in person than sit and be this person who's so NOT me and suck the life out of our gatherings. I'm angry at myself for being so depressed but feel helpless to do much about it right now.

It's all I can do to not let it show in front of the kids. And I don't think I'm being terribly convincing, especially where Will's concerned. Dammit.

I haven't picked up my knitting needles or my beading stuff in days. I haven't touched my sewing machine in an age. I'm atrophying.

Why can't I just get mad?



Stacey said...

Okay, I'm serious, you have to cut the slim-fast breakfasts. Try some other low-cal and healthy items.

Egg whites (or Egg Beaters) cooked with Pam, with a whole grain english muffin and no butter.

Eat a piece of fruit and some yogurt, that will get some healthy vitamins, and a protein in you.

Try a morning breakfast cereal. I keep a box on my desk at work, and have a cup every morning.

There are lots of healthy options out there.

You'll feel better, trust me.

And you're going through a tough time at work right now, and it's sapping your inspiration. It comes back, trust me, I've gone through the same thing many times. You just have to stop depriving yourself of things that you do enjoy.

Stacey said...

Oh, how about oatmeal, they make some really tasty instant these days.

Roe said...

Stacey, I just can't stop crying.

Stacey said...

I know, I wish that your job situation was better.

But the only way to help is to make sure to at least try to balance out the bad with some good. That's why I'm stuck on the food thing. The stressing about dieting, and slim-fast is only going to make things worse, because you're just putting too much extra pressure on yourself. You don't need that right now if it's not helping you feel empowered.

I know it's really unhealthy for me, but when I was out of work and recovering from my surgery, I would sometimes lie on the couch and watch Spiderman (which I was obsessed with at the time) and eat a Big Grab of Doritos. It's superficial, but it made me feel a little better for a while.

You just have to find that for yourself with something, while you're waiting to hear about the bigger stuff (jobs, etc.)

Enough superficial things that make you happy, can lift your mood, at least enough to get through the day. You know, on your lunch break, window shop Steve Madden. The next day, go feel the paper at Kate's. The day after that, cruise the sparkly accessories at H&M (those have to cheer you up!).

Lauren said...

I'm with Stacey on the eating thing. Being hungry is enough to make me cry sometimes. Vanilla yogurt with a spoonful of natural peanut butter and some raisins is an incredibly filling breakfast. And I don't know about spiderman and doritos, but haloween candy and Smallville works for me :)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Roe, it's Gretchen...

Remember the McCann's Irish Oatmeal you told me about that I am hooked on? That would be a yummy breakfast. I'm so sorry to hear your job is so awful. My WW leader was talking about how we have no control over the outside world, and that only we have control over what goes in our mouths. Maybe kickboxing would be a good outlet??? You can pretend you're punching someone's face???!!!

Hang in there!

Roe said...

Hey Gretchen!

Thanks for the input. I actually did some yoga this morning and it helped a lot. I have to try to work it back into my life.